Swinging with Spring
Spring comes and I feel with it the awakening it is meant to encourage. I am pruning off what has died with me over the winter: anger, death of relationships, conclusions.
But even with a lighter spirit no longer confined to what was dying, I still feel the fear of lightness. The spring air sweeps in but where are we going next? Age old questions, as if seeing into the future provides any real answers. The answers are only with you today, present, shifting with your thoughts into what you make it, where you carry it yourself.
But spring is bringing new moments for togetherness, for me present again in this lightness. Marc and I realizing the need for more time together even just in our morning commute.
“It’s time to get going.”
“You did well waking early,” I say. Then the rhythm of caring for the dog, showering, dressing, packing, and walking out the door into the car for a quiet few minutes together in our morning ride. To begin together, to begin the day with love. He drops me off at the office, drives a few more blocks away, parks and we go off on our days, two different paths still entwined in our rhythm.
“I really need this. Can we do it monthly, bi-monthly?” A friend asks. Monthly we agree. How could we ever be so busy for months we don’t speak or see each other, stretching out the loneliness of a space for talking, listening? We talk about relationships, new dates, about family histories and family present. Now our moms treat us as sisters or friends, our jobs weighing down with new demands, and still our friendship after fifteen years later finding space to carry on.
I am realizing how much more I need people in my life. The writer needs both energy, excitement, life to draw inspiration from, and quiet time to reflect, digest, and create. We always need both. I ask for more meetings. I make more efforts to be there, but this is with limits too.
Weekends we work too much. I am drinking coffee alone in the home. Today, spending the day with family, but fighting my fear that I am not there enough for others, groups, meetings, customers, it must settle down or carry on. I have not felt this anxiety so much, as if there is much more on me to succeed, to be there together for everyone. It is of course just fear.
The spring temperature jumps this weekend, the sky stretching flat blue across all ways and all I can think about is feeling new. Somewhere in the mix on top of the tangled endings put to bed, reaching up like bare branches in the tree, ready to swing with spring.